we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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