she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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