I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
