the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
