So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
