The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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