I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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