Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
