I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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