saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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