My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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