There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
