even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
