oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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