Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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