I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
