Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
