Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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