i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
