I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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