I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
