i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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