i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
