well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
