She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
