I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Randomize
