4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
