woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
