why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
