too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
