i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
