Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
