I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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