woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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