I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
