I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
