can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
