i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
