I'm eating all of the evidence.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
