I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
