I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
