If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
