I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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