FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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