I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
