yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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