her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Everclear isn't food dammit
Randomize
