and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
