Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
