I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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